[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”