My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Netflix and awkward silence?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies