Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*