I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
There’s only one good girl here!
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.