I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.