DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
You Might Also Like
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
The only equipped I am is ill.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
c’mon!
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious