If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Practicing safe sax
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.