A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.