Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
You Might Also Like
Still cracks me up
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Don’t forget to tip your server
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”