My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.