My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
You Might Also Like
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
There are no pants in heaven.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.