why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
In Canada they just call them geese
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Love this one 😂🧟
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years