When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight