We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
#parenting
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.