Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
You Might Also Like
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
War & Peace
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I wish I were this cool 😂
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”