Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
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Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Yes my dude
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.