My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
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If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Wednesday
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.