You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
doing your own taxes
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.