what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
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You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
How high do the levels go?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.