(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
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[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
i meant to share this earlier
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut