Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
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Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.