Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
You Might Also Like
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid