Dance like you’re not the father
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Midwest trash talk
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
The news in a nutshell.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.