This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all