Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
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interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this