*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
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I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision