Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
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My kids couldn鈥檛 give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
What is going on? 馃槄
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Can I get a pi帽a colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti pi帽a colada.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.