“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!