My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
You Might Also Like
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock