I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Put the is in disheveled
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team