A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
You Might Also Like
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME