Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
You Might Also Like
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me