“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
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Florida be like…
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
this will hang in the louvre one day
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream