[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
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My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there