Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities