Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.