Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
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♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.