I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
saving face 👀
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
#StillHurts
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.