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I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
not for long
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!