My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
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The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Sign at work today
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)