“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.