Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
You Might Also Like
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
No I don鈥檛 have Tourette鈥檚. I just stubbed my toe
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl鈥檚, then Michaels, then JC Penney鈥檚, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
mom: you鈥檙e grounded for today
me: i can鈥檛 wait until i鈥檓 an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Mission Impossible…馃槀馃槑馃悞
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Never be a pizza!
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i鈥檓 sorry what
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you鈥檙e funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don鈥檛 have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool