don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse