I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?