‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids