My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
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Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.