Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.