*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
This was the best day of my life
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic