Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?