Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
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I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
never forget
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!